How Dare You Cheat On Me?! Why are you doing this after all the lectures you got about me and all the time you had to study? After all the information available at your disposal in print and online? This is so unfair!"
If subjects and courses were able to talk, they would probably yell the above at every cheater in an examination. No one wants to be betrayed; the feeling is deadly. I have been down that road before, and it is always steep to remember. Question is, "why do people cheat?" Ask anyone who gets caught in the act, if he hadn't been, and he'll tell you that cheating is a NO, just like most people would admit. Interestingly, the word, and even the act of "cheating" is not limited to examinations. And if it is, then it means that relationships and marriages are some sort of examinations also. So if we query why an average person would act in a way that negates his/her stated beliefs, maybe the answer would be to avoid boredom, or embarrassment, or disappointment, or insult, or assault, or abuse, or hatred. How am I supposed to read and grasp what is meaningless or irrelevant to me?, they may ask. And then, people may also cheat out of anger - to justify what they feel is unfair to them. But whatever reason(s) we give, I believe that we cannot excuse it, cheating is never a way to achieve the dreams of flying colours. Cheating is basically for the incompetent, the unprepared, and the lazy. It is not to be proud of. And even though it may be generally seen as a shortcut to success/happiness by those who indulge in it, it must also be known that it is that much of a deep bruise if you get caught in it.
In the United States, about 17% of all the divorces that occur are due to adultery by either or both the parties (Source: divorcestatistics.info). Now, if we consider that there are so many other reasons for divorce apart from adultery, then that is a huge figure. Cultural stereotypes have conditioned us to believe that only a few women cheat compared to men. But clinical researches have proven that nearly as many women cheat as men but only under different circumstances. While a greater percentage of both sexes may cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction/disconnection from their spouses, it is worthy of note that hardly do women cheat for mere pleasure like men. Men are capable of having purely sexual relationships with other women without any emotional connection, unlike women who would rather have an affair with men they are emotionally attached to. A UK-based extramarital dating site, Undercover Lovers, surveyed 4,000 of its members, about 2,000 men and 2,000 women, about their cheating habits. Among female cheaters, 57% said they felt love for the man with whom they were having an affair. But in fairly stark contrast only 27% of the men surveyed said they loved their mistress. As indicated, women who cheat are much more likely to want and/or need an intimate emotional bond with their affair partner, though the man may feel differently.
Cheating, I define as "eating the forbidden fruit." And what come to me of highest importance in this article are the possible reasons why people would rather eat it than throw it away, even when they know and agree that it is forbidden. Like Eve, anyone would hardly resist the temptation of riper fruit, so she ate it because she saw that "THE TREE" bearing it was "good for food", "pleasant to the eyes" and "desired to make one wise." This is where I strongly disagree with the popular saying, "if the shoe fits, wear it." Question is: Is "fit" the only thing you look out for in a shoe when you go get yourself one? If your answer is "yes", then you are one of the reasons divorce rate is on the increase because it simply means you chose your partner only because of one thing without critically considering the others; just like buying a shoe just because it's your size. So, apart from "fit", lest you get enticed by a forbidden tree, be sure your own tree is:
• Good for food - The shoe may fit, but is it worth the price tag?
Lack of sexual connection/satisfaction can be a very cogent reason some people would not resist the fruit and leaving the guilt to burn in hell. Men, especially in Africa where I come from do not joke with either their bellies or their "holies". A woman who knows just how to be her man's hallelujah, in the kitchen and in the room, might just cut the chances of him looking out for the "extracurricular". A funny but true anonymous joke warns men to "choose a good cook over a good look. Beauty fades but hunger doesn'tc." While this is not and will never be an excuse to sow wild oats, let it be known that good sex and good food in any marriage matters. Approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships, estimates Prof Kat Hertlein, a marriage and family therapist. Though sex is not all you need to hold your marriage together but it is a principal thing. Denying your faithful spouse good pleasures just because you are triple sure he/she would never cheat on you is like going to lie down on a highway just because you have prayed for God's protection. You pray, God answers and then you don't be silly. I may understand why a sex starved partner finds an unbearable pressure to cheat, but as much as he/she doesn't have any excuse to, then you don't have the same to starve him/her deliberately. Most human beings, according to Gary Niels, have a breaking point and when anything threatens a person's livelihood, income and/or social status, you put them in a survival mode. In other words, as you threaten that individual's existence, you tempt them to reach their moral breaking point.
Men, naturally, want sex more than women do. So I do not think being a little more adventurous is too much to save your sexually permissive man. The compatibility of your sexual values is vital.
... know that sex does matter - it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority ~ Nicole Yorio.
And oh yes, I know! I know you've given your partner all the sex and food in the world and he/she still has an entire plantation where he/she sits and eats the fruit. Well, that's it! You are justified. Welcome to the world of habits; where we do the things we do either because that's who we are, or because that's what other people's attitudes toward us force us to do.
• Pleasant to your eye - The shoe fits, but does it look good on you?
Marriage counsellor M. Gary Neuman interviewed over 100 faithful and unfaithful husbands to find the answer to the question "what makes men cheat". In his survey, he found out that 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife. Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholder. If you went for a partner that doesn't appeal to your eyes, I guess you didn't remember that hundreds would still make you scream "Lord Jesus" at the first glance. While your choice of a spouse must never depend only on looks, I must stress that it is where it starts from. Somebody has to appeal to your eyes first before you go closer to ask for his/her name, except you already have a dazzling round metal around your fourth finger and what you're looking for is just what this article is all about - eating the forbidden fruit.
A shoe appeals to your sight first before you move closer to check the price tag, right? And you would not buy it because your friend loves it when you don't, would you? So why would you date someone you do not like because someone else asked you to? If seeing Denzel Washington on TV give shivers down your spine, or staring at Shakira's hips that don't lie in front of a magazine give bulging effects a few metres below your navel, then keep hope alive; only be ready to deal with a different face, and that should not be too much of a big deal, so long you've got your "dreamshape". Never get too lazy to take care of yourself and your look. Always take a "good, hard stare in the mirror" for yourself, and for your partner. So for all it's worth, everyone should always make conscious efforts to rediscover the spark at home, starting from how they look.
• Desired to make you wise - The shoe fits, yes, but is it trendy and appropriate?
Just imagine going to the White House with a business suit and then you've got peter pan shoes to match. Nobody wants to stay on the same spot. Eve wanted to get wiser so she ate the sumptuous looking fruit. Everyone wants to grow. Know more. Learn more. See more. Do more. Be challenged more. Be better than who he/she was a few years back. Life isn't just fun when your partner doesn't add to, challenge or stimulate you in any way. You may not and cannot have the same IQ level, but the essence of being in a relationship, I believe, is to complement your individual self, and not to find a clone of you. Good heads will definitely do exploits when they come together, so you are not inferior, you are equally important, because you complement. This, apart from the basic requirements, is a more real ground on which relationships should be built. Boredom may set in when your partner doesn't come any close to your intellectual wavelength, and for such, a most probable escape route is spending more time with another partner who brings more intellectual satisfaction - an invitation to a tree of the forbidden fruit. At long last, Neuman's survey reveals that 68% of cheaters never dreamed they would be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it. So don't ever assume you are invincible; you are not a spirit. It is important for both of you to take steps toward creating a successful and workable relationship/marriage with mutual culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness. Understand each other's strength and weaknesses. Pay attention - it can stir up a more satisfying sex life. Always take responsibility for your actions and charge of what you can control - your own behaviour. Prioritize time together and give him/her a reason to keep you at the front of his/her mind. You've cheated before? Go, and cheat no more! But if, o ye "the unmarried" have just got dressed up, made your way to the shoe store, found one, and the ONLY thing about it is that it "fits", then Don't Wear It Yet.
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