After the Affair: Why Your Spouse Is Refusing to Talk About the Affair

Are you hitting a brick wall whenever you try to talk about the affair with your spouse? Does he/she get defensive, clams up or just downright refuses to answer any of your questions? How can you get him to see why he needs to discuss the affair with you?

One of the biggest obstacles in healing after an affair is getting your wayward spouse to open up, talk about the affair and answer your questions. A cheater often tries to avoid dealing with the consequences of their actions by trying to get the betrayed spouse to stop asking questions by any means possible. They feel that you are trying to punish them and can't understand that you need to know the details in order for you to heal and your marriage to stand a chance.

Your spouse may have his own reasons for not answering your questions or discussing the affair because:

• they don't want to hurt your feelings
• they feel guilty and ashamed of what they did
• they want to avoid a confrontation

While there is no way to guarantee that your spouse will open up and talk, here a few things that you can do.

Be persistent and not give up - if you just throw your hands up and say forget it, you'll be doing exactly what the cheater wants you to do. They are stalling hoping that you will get tired of asking and eventually give up. Now you don't have to bring it up all the time or become a nag, just be firm and let them know that the issue is not going anywhere, it is not going to die until it is resolved to your satisfaction.

Don't sabotage yourself - you do have a right to have your questions answered, but at the same time you also have the responsibility to not lash out at your spouse if the answer is not what you want to hear. The way you react will determine whether your spouse clams up or freely answers your questions. If you punish your mate for being honest and telling the truth, this will mostly likely put an end to his willingness to continue talking about the affair.

Be balanced - while you are justified in giving vent to your feelings, you also need to consider how your spouse feels. This is can be quite challenging, because on the one hand you want your partner to be honest with you, but on the other hand you may feel badly about some of the information shared. So think carefully about the type of questions you are asking. One thing to remember is the fact that your spouse's honesty in answering your questions outweighs any of the negative aspects of what they had to say.

Research has shown that getting answers to your questions and talking about the affair increases the odds of maintaining and rebuilding the relationship. Please realize that despite all your best efforts your spouse may still refuse to talk about the affair details, in which case you'll need to learn to accept the situation.

Knowing when to talk about the affair details and what to say is just as important as discussing the affair. Get this wrong and it will setback your healing. Get the help you need, start by downloading your free "Overcoming Infidelity" kit here: